The Policeman's Blog

My current most pointless case:

Car tyre slashed in the night. Crime submitted negative lines via phone as no cctv, no witnesses, nothing.

2 weeks later a/p calls police and gives a name of a youth who he thinks has done it. Crime allocated to me to find out why.

I ring a/p, "So sir, why do you think this male is responsable, has someone told you, seen him, has he been telling people, some other cctv, seen in the area on the night in question?"

a/p "No officer, I had a fall out with him 6 months ago and I think it's him."

Duly I write the crime up, no evidence that links the male to the offence, and as such can this be filed until some proper evidence comes to light. One crime auditer agrees but returns the crime to me as I forgot to tick an administritive box. Said box ticked crime resent to auditor.

Another auditor gets it and sends it back to me, apparently we don't need evidence to speak to people and this male is to be treated as a suspect and spoken to. So now I am chasing this male around, with no joy for the last 2 weeks, just so he can deny being involved (even if he was, I have NO evidence).

Seems a worthwhile use of my time.

And this is oonly my current worst, I dealt with infinately more pointless cases than this over the last 3 years (kids fighting in playgrounds anyone?)
 

Believe it or not Old Doris contacts to say she has had her pension taken . Yes worth a look poor old dear . Visit the address and find out the evil vile purple traitor is alledged to be none other than her husband , The cad ! all seems like a job unitl you find out he's been dead for ten years and she is accusing his malicious ghost of the act . Yes they crimed it
 

Believe it or not Old Doris contacts to say she has had her pension taken . Yes worth a look poor old dear . Visit the address and find out the evil vile purple traitor is alledged to be none other than her husband , The cad ! all seems like a job unitl you find out he's been dead for ten years and she is accusing his malicious ghost of the act . Yes they crimed it
 

Theft of three Freddo bars. Total value....30p.

Can't actually remember what I did with it though. Think it was an 'Area trace, no search'

Ooh. And theft of a football from a garden. By an eight year old.
Victim couldn't quite get his head round the concept of criminal responsibility.
 

My most pointless case to date:

(The names, locations and dates have been changed to protect the stupid)

Anonymous caller contacts Police stating "...I HAVE JUST SEEN FRED SMITH, JOHN BROWN AND CLAIRE GREEN STEALING A PINT OF MILK OFF THE DOORSTEP OF 1 HIGH STREET..." The caller goes on to kindly state where Fred SMITH lives.

The second line of the incident reveals the Crime Number for Theft (ethical recording you see).

I am dispatched at 10:00hrs on 01/01/2006.

I arrive at 10:05hrs on 01/01/2006 and visit 1 HIGH STREET. Mr WHOCARES says "YES, I NOTICED I WAS A PINT OF MILK DOWN SO I NIPPED TO THE SHOP AND BROUGHT ANOTHER ONE FOR 33 PENCE". Mr WHOCARES provides a Statement of Evidence wherein he does not wish the Police to conduct any enquiry whatsoever.

At 11:00hrs on 01/01/2006 I attempt to file my Crime Complaint as Undetected.

Our audit department send it back after several weeks saying that this Crime Complaint is without doubt detectable.

I quickly locate two of the named Offenders and contemporaneously interview them. They both deny it.

However, they say that the third named Offenders is in a children's home at the opposite end of our County.

I e-mail the appropriate Shift Sergeant and request that this person is interviewed.

After a month I e-mail the same Sergeant requesting the same request.

After another month I receive a reply: The person has moved children's home and is now at another part of the County.

I e-mail that Sergeant. Two months later the third outstanding Offender is interviewed and admits to stealing the 33p bottle of semi skimmed milk and is very sorry. Nothing happens to them.

However - I've detected a Crime! Aren't I great?

The whole Crime Complaint took 8 months to finalise and must have cost significantly more than 33p to investigate.

What a waste of time.
 

Someone phoned ourselves up the other week after having run out of cornflakes. The job was classified "MENTAL HEALTH" and the only double crew left without prisoners were dispatched. Four hours later they left after the "Emergency" duty team decided that it was their job afterall to deal with persons with mental health issues.
 

Got sent to a Priority "Youths playing football" incident recently (...ROWDY/INCONSIDERATE...)

Got there, crikey, youths were indeed playing football.

On a football pitch.

Quality!
 

I am not in the Police but I love reading this blog, rading some of these made me smile and laugh, then I remembered it's my taxes that are spent on this.

Is anybody likely to pull the plug on the audit department anytime soon?
 

I once, whilst in my probation, was asked to go to the office to take a report of theft. On arrival I spoke to my "victim" who explained that he had indeed been burgled. I asked what had been taken, and was told DNA. He when on to explain that somebody had broken into his house and stolen his DNA during the night. Amazed, I asked how my "victim" knew this. He replied that he had seen somebody in the town who looked just like him!
I managed to hand him on to the CID by explaining that I had a burglary victim had come in with some information re his burglary!
 

Reported as: My son was injured by a hit and run

Arrived to:
He stepped onto the road and was clipped on the arm by a wing mirror of a passing car. car stopped, driver asked "are you okay", boy replied "yes" driver asked "are you sure" boy replied "yes". driver left. No vrm, no name of driver. but parents say son isn't a doctor, how does he know he's okay? Driver should be shot for leaving him. Statement taken because...

Or i especially love it when i come across a damaged car, leave a note with the reference number asking owner to call and they never bother. This happens a lot.
 

And there was me thinking it was only us that were pandering to the audit team - in some ways it is comforting to know that there are others chasing their tails on the endless pointless exercise of criming everything and anything especially if it is 'detectable' - but in most ways it is very worrying. Maybe soon the powers that be will lose interest in the number crunching tick in the box game that this seems to have become. If only the public realised exactly what the word 'detected' and the phrase 'brought to justice' actually really means!!
 

how about theft of hamster,yep its true,someone rang up asking ''has anyone handed in a hamster we've lost ours'' well the service centre drew up a crime/incident report on the basis if the creatures gone someone must have stolen it,This piece of cack actually passed the screening process and landed in the skippers tray!!!
Eventually hammy hamster reappeared from behind the skirting board,and there was me expecting a cat burglar
 

theft of hamster.....public rings up asking if a hamster has been handed in cos they have lost theirs.Service centre raise crime/incident report because if its missing it must have been stolen.This cack creeps through the screening desk and landed on the skippers desk for investigation!!
Subsquently hammy comes out from behind the skirting board,shame i thought it was a cat burglar responsible
 

A group of lowlife offspring abusing a polish old lady. (this can't be proved of course, "little Billy and his mates would never do that officer")
Polish woman, in frustrated temper throws stone towards group.
Cue Ranting attention seeking Mother "officer, I want that f*cking foreigner arrested, my Billy is only 8 years old, He could have been blinded, Its a f*cking disgrace how they are allowed in our country"... Indeed madam, why would anyone want to endure the underclass such as your little Billy!
 

Mother of 5 year old reports her Son was threatened by her 7 year old neighbour. No Witnesses. All under the age of Criminal Responsibility. Obviously a Crime Number is generated. Crime reported by me, requesting "No Crime". Can't be screened. Auditors return file, this is "Detectable" under D5 ruling. I do a shed load of work:

MG11 from IP's Mom (3 pages);
MG11CW from IP (5 pages Q&A);
MG11 from Offender's Mom (2 pages);
MG15 from Offender (8 pages);
D5 (2 pages);
Do an intelligence system entry;
Fill out "Suspect Appearance Matrix";
Tick boxes on "Victim's Code of Practice - Compliance Sheet";
Update "Tasking" every step of the way.

Time taken: 2 months from start to finish.

End result, Undetected, No Witnesses, No evidence or admissions.

Because everyone was under the age of Criminal Responsibility.
 

Is it possible for the police to have a reward system for those involved in the job to contribute to policy? It seems ludicrous (and soul destroying ) to direct officers to investigate such stupid cases. Those members of the public who involve the police in this way should be firmly told that the matter does not warrant investigation. Those of us with common sense would not bat an eyelid if the press reported this lack of action.
 

Call recieved that "Their (sic) are some kids in the Childrens Playground, they aren't being noisy, can someone move them on please"

Naturally I completely refused to attend that one. Bizarre?
 

I'm not a policeman, so feel free to delete this, officer, but it's a comment from my blog about this thread.

Are the police good value for money? The Taxpayers' Alliance - http://www.taxpayersalliance.com/news/individual_blog.php?post_id=418 - returns to this. Certainly the impression is of a police force with the wagons circled against public scrutiny.

In The Policeman's Blog are examples of some of the pointless ways the police are forced to waste their time and ours.

Not in my name, and I suspect not in the name of their communities. Local democratic accountability would probably be a lot less comfortable to the senior hierarchy. But maybe the bobbies on the ground might welcome it.
 

Theft of a bag of chips which was reported and crimed. Unfortunatley they have CCTV and recorded the registration of a van the offenders used. I've had to put an information report on the van (which has result in positive responses from other forces!), view the CCTV, place it on our briefing system and had to forward still images to the other force to see if they can identify the offenders.

Or worse still how about a criminal damamge commited by a 5 year old. I've apparently got to go and interview this little boy and find out if he really meant to smash the window when he ran into it....
 

Got sent to a race hate incident 2 years ago....

female states she has had the word "F--K" written by someones finger in the dirt on her car. The car is not parked on her own drive.
The log states "female believes this is a racist incident"...I am despatched as priority. The caller when I arrive has absolutely no grounds as to why it may be racist, and doesnt actually believe it is herself.. but no doubt the call taker managed to evidence some kind of 'respect for diversity' section in their development review, and hey ho here I am...at your service. Quality !

Quality
 

How about Criminal Damage by salt?

I took a call a while ago to a 'Criminal Damage..suspect known'
I dutifully attended and the victim was a shopkeeper on a parade of shops.He had a Fruit stall outside.He showed me several punnets of strawberries which appeared to have some form of white crystalline substance very lightly sprinkled over the top.
"Its salt officer" and offered me a said strawberry to taste.
I declined.Judging by the state of the fruit I wondered whether a passer by had taken pity and sprinkled some on in an attempt to preserve it.
I said 'The call says there is a known suspect'.
"Its from that flat there" and indicated to the windows of a flat above the shop.
I said 'Did you see someone do it?"
He said No but before he came to this country he was in the army and was an expert on trajectory and it could only have come from that flat.
I spent the next 10 minutes explaining that it was a busy parade of shops and the substance could have blown onto the fruit from any source and as only several punnets were affected was it worth calling the police and a quick rinse under the tap and all would be well etc..etc... However it was clear he was having none of it and to prevent some other shift getting called back later I went upstairs to flat concerned.
The occupier was clearly a very respectable individual who invited me in.I explained the situation and they duly admitted they had salt on the premises but knew nothing of what this person was on about.The box of Saxo was produced and I was offered a taste to check.I declined. I thenked them and went back down to the shop.

I explained that the occupier suffered high blood pressure and was not allowed salt in their diet so it couldnt have been them.
I then offered some prevention advice to lessen the risks from any other potential condiment incident.
Walking off I called it in as 'all parties seen no offences'
Strictly ethical?... no.. but it was a lot easier to square nonsense off then.
 

Grade 2 Report:

Mrs X can't speak English, she is elderly. She reported somebody has broken into her house and is moving objects around.

I duly arrive. Unfortunatly my Slovakian is less than perfect. Having had a guided tour of the house, having had the 'crime scene' pointed out to me, this included cracked tiles, a dirty floor and scuffed paint work. I completed my job as the true professional I am.

I grabbed a dishcloth, cleaning powder and scrubbed her floor and carpet, demonstarting that she should do the same. I cleaned the tiles so the cracks could no longer be seen, I washed the wood work too.

And what do I get? No thanks and a hysterical Slovakian Pensioner wailing as I leave. Some people just have no gratitude do they???
 

Two classics spring to mind.

1. There are some boys over 13 years old in a "13 and under" playground. They wont get off the swings so my daughter can't go on them. Passed via 999 call. Generated a crime number - public order apparently!

2. There are some children making a lot of noise while playing football in the park. Also apparently a public order problem.
 

Called to attend a student address. Both in drink (surprise surprise).

Controller: Can you attend and take a theft report - the aggrieved's made himself some toast which his housemate took from the toaster and ate.

You couldn't make this up...

No, funnily enough no-one went.
 

I'm not sure if anyone read or heard about a report this week into the policing of London post 7/7.
I was one of the (un)fortunate Met officers who worked for the remainder of that month solidly, without a day off. They even asked some of my office-bound colleagues if they would mind awfully putting on their uniform to go out and re-assure the public. Some of them left their offices to do just that. Result: lots and lots of coppers on the street. Effect: significant decrease in crime.
This report I mentioned confirmed what I have long suspected; more police on the streets generally means faster response times, and lower crime rates. And I'm not even a rocket-scientist.
I work on a borough with around 900 officers. My team struggles to put 16 on the street on a Friday or Saturday night. The rest are working in Beat Crimes, the CMU, various squads under the CID umbrella and who knows where else, but 'detections' seem to be the driving force for all of them, and the quality of the 'crime' detected is irrelevant.
And I always thought that prevention is better than cure. Of course, now I know better.
DC, I'm a long-time reader, first-time poster. Love your work. Keep it up.
 

As a civvy call taker (non emergency only) i've had a few classics, this one springs to mind;

Bloke calls 999 (And they create a log and forward it to division radio room where they promptly burst into laughter and I jumped at the chance of ringing him back)

Log; 'I think i've left my cooker on in my house, I am away at present so cannot come back'

I ring him back, 'Would you mind getting officers to go to my wifes house and getting the spare key (2Hrs away) letting yourself in and checking if the cooker is on?' Me: (Speechless for 15 seconds) 'Just exactly what planet are you on? If you want someone to check get your wife, neighbour, milkman to go around there we do not check if you have your cooker on' He then flies into a rage at me and makes a complaint to the Insp!

I also asked him where he was and why could'nt he come back, he was at a golf match and he was busy!!! he was all of 15 minutes away from home!

Aaaargghhhh
 

I found out today that is costs my force £81.00 to process a 3 point fixed penalty notice of £60.00.

Traffic are being urged to forget speeders and only bother with seatbelts and phones.

Only in the police.
 

Not one I (thankfully) dealt with...

Male rings up complaining a shop has banned him as he has bad personal hygeine problems. (He stinks). Message created and officer duly attends.

Asks male if he does indeed have bad personal hygeine, to which he admits "I don't bath very often if thats what you mean hofficer".

Male given advice re washing and left. Message closed down.

Duty Insp reads log, rings PC and tells him it is obviously a hate crime, and therefore needs criming and investigating thoroughly...........PC tells Insp, it isn't, the bloke smells, and the shop keeper can ban anyone he see's fit, especailly if his business is being affected........Insp ORDERS PC to crime as a hate crime, and investigate..........Amazing.
 

Call from an elderly female saying she'd been assaulted and offender still on the premises. We rush round to find a very drunk & very mad old lady. Seems her son assaulted her ...only problem is the son had been dead for 6 years! Old lady was uninjured and completely hatstand (care in the community once again). She follows us out onto the street and is detained under 136. Crime manager wants to know why the named offender is not arrested, why no statement, why no SOCO to photo the injuries. Three months to write this one off!
 

this must rank up there as totally pointless

called to "male detained, illegal immigrant" at 12.00 I attend and and find that the male has a false passport. coughs that he is illegal and only arrived 4 months ago. I arrest for being an illegal him because immigration officers are to busy, take him to custody and get told by the duty sgt to arrest him for attempting to obtain percuinary advantage, simply because there might be a detection in it. i explain to sgt that this is pointless as the male will be served with deportation forms and cps wont run with it, he aint interested so the lad gets arrested

i spend the next 7 and half hours taking statements, driving 20 miles and back to do a house search, prepare an expedited file, interview the offender, wait for an hour on cps direct before they tell me that they wont proceed, reason "NOT IN THE PUBLIC INTEREST" What a shocker.

Just to round off my day, immigration attend, serve him with a form and tell him to attend immigration offices in 2 weeks time to be deported out of the country, male walks out never to be seen again I think! I finish at 9pm on a friday instead of 5pm, what a great waste of my time.
 

In Brief

Call to Call Centre

'My wife has been away at a conference for a few days, she's on her way home, the weathers bad, she called in at the motorway services at %**&%$^$ and they have no vegetarian food. The battery has gone dead on her phone, I'm worried, she needs to eat could you try and find her.......'

Needless to say the helicopter was scrambled and a 'Darfuresque' food drop of Linda McCartney Vege Burgers and Portabello Mushroom Barley Pilau was arranged.

Soya and Tofu based food littered the service area before someone woke up and told the bloke to sit tight and wait for his Mrs to arrive home.

You couldn't make it up.
 

I once has to report the theft of "A Daffodil" the reporting person got really upset when I asked them for a value for the crime complaint!!
 

- Woman phones up to report carol singers. I phone her back and advise her to get some Christmas spirit. Result? She makes an official complaint about my attitude (well to be fair I didn't have my sympathetic head on when I called her back).

- Bloke wants to report fairground worker for 'assault' cos he span his carriage too hard on the Waltzer resulting in an aching neck. Asked him what exactly he expected when he paid to go on the waltzer & got a mouthful of abuse in return. Told him I wasn't investigating it and hung up.

These were both two years ago before I saw the writing on the wall (haven't crimed that yet!) and was able to lift my feet out of the mire and get a cushy office job. Got a funny feeling those two jobs wouldn't get past the auditors/crimers/etc these days.
 

A DC on their way to work rings up and reports a 'distressed parrot' on the side of the motorway. They describe it as "Purple, and with a tag on its leg, so it must have an owner".

M/way patrol get there at haste! But they don't give an immediate write off. They return to a computer and write

"I'm astonished. It's a piece of purple tweed axminster. Carefully folded"

Quality DC's we have these days!
 

A colleague of mine had a good job which went daft...

A serious robbery where the offenders all wore black balaclava's, gloves, and wielded bats and bars etc.

Police attend - offenders had made off, search made, neg result. Full statements all round, crime and report asking for filing

Audit team return crime asking (really) "Have you considered showing photographs for the masked offenders?"

I was very young in service at that time, and lost all hope at that exact time.
 

A colleague of mine was first officer at the scene on a murder. Obviously the scene/investigation etc. was handed over to the big boys to investigate, and in all the fun no one actually got round to criming it. Having been chased up (cos his name was first one in the log!)my colleague duly raised and submitted a crime report number. Imagine his surprise some weeks later when an auditor sent him a note complaining that the aggrieved's 'self defined ethnicity' box had not been completed. A lengthy reply was written, something along the lines of 'next time I come accross a dying man I shall, of course, cease CPR in order to ask him to define his ethnicity' it went on to suggest that the only option now left was to employ the services of a clairvoyant. Nothing further was heard from the auditor.
 

attempted theft of a kit kat!!!!

'please attend the local school and speak to staff for possible suspects'
 

Not my case but a DC was dealing with a Domestic Burglary. The evidence was thin on the ground and the DS at the time was in no mindset to file it until every last enquiry had been completed.

There was some evidence to suggest the criminal MAY have left the mainland to a far away place - Isle of Wight or Guernsey.

As such the DS asked the DC to take the complete Ferry/Boat iteniary for the a 3 day period and run all the names through PNC and also the Intel system. I can only assume that the DS had in mind some sort of small Cuban immigrant dinghy system where the offender could be targeted precisely, holding the goods under his chin as the waves broke over the edge of the boat.

Consulting the various companies the DC was quickly informed that over 100,000 people had commuted along the route during that period. They could produce a paper list but it would take several reams of paper and the police would have to cover the shipping costs.

The DC was not amused and sent it back for the DS to mull over filing it again.
 

I'm not a police officer but work within the police and take many calls from the public...

IP: Three weeks ago I reported that someone had paked partially across my drive
ME: OK... is it still there? Causing an obstruction?
IP: No. I've been on holiday since but I would like to know if anything was done about it while I was away...

Also...

IP: I want to report some anti-social behaviour that is occuring as we speak.
ME: Of course madam, tell me all about it.
IP: There is a group of young children, about 3 of them aged 8 or 9 kicking a football around at the bottom of the crescent!
ME: OK. Are they aiming at the cars or houses? Perhaps passers by?
IP: No!
ME: Madam, are they simple having a game of football?
IP: Yes! I want it reported!
ME: Madam, you do realise that the police wont come out for this as it isn't actually against the law?
IP: I WANT IT REPORTED!
ME: But from what you have said the children are just keeping themselves amused with a game... we have to let children be children etc...
IP: I WANT IT REPORTED

Ad infinitum.
 

Once crimed in my force - Criminal Damage. Suspect: A Black Horse.

Depressingly true, although I wonder what could have been said in interview -

Officer "Did you do it?"
Suspect "Neigh"
 

God I had a few of these, theft complaint of a 49p bottle opener when the offender had paid for £20 of shopping, the shop insisted I prosecute....an old couple making a complaint of theft....of the Laughing Cavalier painting, the original of course! A complaint of a car being across their drive and blocking them in...when they have no drive but just dont like people to park outside their house. So glad to be out, at least we could ignore the worst ones, now I think everyone has given up hope, going to another leaving do next week, that makes twenty one from one nick in three years, most of them mid service folks, 8 years plus. God bless you all who stick it, I couldnt and didnt.
 

I'm one of those civvie call takers. I got called into the office the other week and asked why I had't seen fit to create a Crime Report for a group of kids being a bit noisey whilst playing in a playground on a Saturday afternoon. Apparently as my misserable old goat of a caller had objected to them playing it was a clear cut case of "public order" and should be recorded as such. When I replied that you should get a unit to my local park when my little ones are out 'cos they cause loads of noise the reply I got is not suitable for this site.
 

One of the best ones I heard of was accutaly reported by an (office bound) PC.

"Theft of a Horse's mustache".

Apparently someone had slipped in to Neddies feild in the night and trimmed his top lip. The owner was a friend of the office bound cop and her office bound inspector husband. Who, instead of taking their friend to one side and having a word like any normal person would do, insisted that it was crimed and investigated. It was (as per NCRS) and immediatly closed as the Horse couldn't pick anybody out on PICDAR.

When the DI got wind he went mental and ordered the OIC to "no crime" it. This took the poor OIC three reports and a month for it to be filed "Crime. Undetected".
 

I had a job recently with 2 offenders attempting to steal pedal cycles, one in possession of bolt cutters. Both are caught on CCTV attempting to cut the lock on a secured bike, when they are unsuccessful they make off. I then get the call via the CCTV operator contacting the comms centre. I arrive within 20 secs, (just round the corner) and after a short footchase I catch both offenders. Interview both, one admitts Going Equipped and Att Theft the other Att Theft. Both are charged by a custosy sgt who has common sense, with all offences. I now try and crime all three offences. Get the Going Equipped no problem, but attempt thefts were knocked back as I did not have IP details. Even though the offenders admitted it wasn't theirs, they had no permission and they were going to keep the bike. Plus it is caught on CCTV!!! So stupid little non crime matters are crimed and crime matters knocked back!!
 

Pond Life (or the reverse of Darwinism)

Went to the rescue of a PCSO today - they were dealing with some young children when a male in a nearby house offered some extra entertainment. Not content with watching Chelsea v Man Utd on his 20ft x 20ft flat screen TV and quaffing Carlsberg on a Sunday afternoon, he had decided to make rude gestures and "moon" out of his living room window at said PCSO. I went to give suitable advice to the gentleman only to informed by him that he was "having fun with his family". Yes, its what Sunday afternoons were made for !!!

I suppose its civilization - but not as we know it, captain.
 

The Canadian version of the kids playing football in the street.

A friend of mine was dispatched to a call of several kids 10-12 years old playing street hockey a few doors down from the caller's address. The caller was afraid that the tennis ball being used as a puck may damage his car. I have no idea why it got dispatched other than to placate the caller, but it did. The attending car crew called for back up and the two of them ended up picking up sticks and playing with the little gaffers for about 15 minutes before 'taking no action' and heading off.

The complainant came out of his cake at that, filed complaints and went to the local media with the story. It ended up even making the national news (must have been a slow news day). The complainant did not end up getting the sympathy from the public that he had hoped for and was largely portrayed as an un-Canadian jerk, while we, for once, came off quite nicely...
 

How about the eponymous "Missing Person".

Attend said missings home address:

Me: I beleive you're daughter's missing?

IP: (sat on sofa in dressing gown at 1330hrs, heating on full etc) Yeah, she just walked out about 30 minutes ago and hasn't returned.

Me: Have you thoroughly searched the house?

IP: No.

Me: shall i do it then?

IP: If you want. (!!)

I have a cursery glance around the disaster/ war zone downstairs, before challenging the stairs and looking into the missing's bedroom, pushing weeks of clothing to one side with a size 10 boot. The 'missing' was sat on her bed listening to her mp3.

Apparently, mum had shouted upstairs a couple of times and when she didn't get a response, assumed she'd 'gone missing' and rang 999

Mum wanted her to go to the shop for millk anyway, so good job i found her so quick.
 

I'm ashamed to say it, but my first arrest was for theft of a packet of Twiglets, price 49p. It all seemed so exciting then. (Damned large packet of Twiglets to be 49p in 1990!)
 

Last night a message was made out when a chap phoned up and asked to be put through to 'The Mint' on itv1, thankfully no-one was sent and it was closed as mental health issues.
But why even make the message!
Antartic Monkey
 

The 'Parrott' on the side of the motorway one from earlier is very very true, have read the log myself (and know the DC personally!) Much pi** taking after that one.

And my tyre slashing from the top of the list was today filed. Feel free to have a drink for me!
 

A complains he was assaulted by B and an unknown person. B is interviewed and states he was actually assaulted by the unknown person and, on lashing out in self-defence, caught person A by accident. B is NFAd. Meanwhile, A is reported as being the offender in an assault about five minutes previously on C. Crime is 'no crimed' on the basis that A was the aggressor in both situations. But I still have to track down, arrest and interview the (still) unknown person "for completeness". Four months later the crime is still outstanding and I'm still waiting for A to make keep an appointment to make a statement.
 

There was a framed incident log in one of our CID offices for quite a while.

It read:

"The bouncers won't let me into a club. I want police here so they can check me on the computer and prove to the bouncers that I'm 18"
 

The criminals must be laughing up there sleeves at us. We are so tied up dealing with trivial nonsense, ticking boxes and collating crime figures that we are not allowed to police anymore. Crime recording standard is on the balance of probabilities a crime has occured, sorry but kids in a playground no chance, looks like some people need to read up. Paid for £20 shopping forgot to pay for some small item, balance of probabilities not a crime, forgot to pay.
 

Yes, really stupid things the public ask for, isn't it ?

Perhaps the Police Service should wonder if - for example - arresting someone for saying "boo" to Tony Blair ; bollocks to Blair T-Shirts ; gay horses ; arresting someone for telling a scumbag child to f--- off and things like that actually *set the bar* as to what is a prosecution and what isn't ?

If saying "Boo" to Blair is an arrestable offence, then why not anyone else ?
 

Not a crime, but a couple of weeks ago I was sent to drive from "oop North" to Surrey, and back, to get a signature on a statement that was "urgently required"...

...and which then sat on someone else's desk for two weeks while they were on leave.

Even the Royal Mail would have had it there, signed, and back in that time...
 

You might enjoy this video about a new method of speed control in Denmark.
 

"Someone keeps coming into my living room and cutting circular holes in the carpet." Following on from this hectic 999 call, I was despatched to said lady's house to be told that when she was on the phone to Police, the offender came back and sowed the cut piece of carpet back in! I tried (oh, how I tried) to have this call classed as a mental health matter but was told that, as I was not a qualified carpet loomer I could not confirm it had not happened. A 3 page statement later, I told the lady that a Police officer would be sitting in the tree opposite and would catch the person next time he/she came into the house. The 'offence' was crimed as not detected. I thought no more about it until I was told of the number of cups of cold tea that were found at the base of the tree opposite the lady's house!
Baffled of Surrey
 

I thought our crimes were pointless but the above about hole sin carpets being crimed is amazing. Who are the sgts and inspectors that agree this is acceptable to submit as a crime?

If I wasn't in the police I'd say this was made up. But I am and know how we work. Crazy.
 

Danish Speed Control:

http://5x5m.com/files/speedbandits/
 

"mini-spam" ---> SÉPARATISM IN EUROPE

--- Many IDIOTS... do not understand this: does not exist no Invasion!

--- An Invasion is a hostile action! ...
--- What happens in Europe is.. a Management of the entrance of immigrants... for that: the persons walks in the 'Enjoy-Parasite'... that is to say, the majority of the Europeans [... the 'White Parasite']:
-1- they claim to enjoy immigrant servile labour at 'price of rain';
-2- they claim to enjoy the existence of persons to pay the retirement pension [ in spite of... they doesn't make a Society where exist Demographic Renewal!!! ]

--- Don't be Idiots!!!
--- The way to go... it isn't 'lick-the-boots' to the Majority of the Europeans!
--- The way to go... it is 'make war' against the White-Parasite... i.e., the ETHNIC SEPARATISM (division of the countries):
(... before being too late...)
-1- space (50%) of Total Competition: for Globalization-Lovers;
-2- another space (50%) of Natural Reserve: for the preservation of the Autochthonous Ethnic Identities.
:{ see: 50-separatism-50 }



NOTICE: For the 'White Parasite' (the majority of the Europeans) "the bad persons" are all those that oppose to the 'To Enjoy Parasite' ..... consequently...... they are INTOLERANT regarding the existence of Ethnic States -> for the preservation of the Autochthonous Ethnic Identities.
 

Any job in Staffordshire that has no-one making a complaint but has had crime numbers attached.

It has to be dealt with as if there is a proper complainant. I know it will never go to court, the caller has stated that they do not want to go to court, the CPS will never take it to court. But that matters not! I still have to take extremely valuable time to track down the offender. Interview them under caution and tell them it will be a detected crime in their name.

This insanity takes patrols off the streets that could be dealing with real problems and real offenders that WILL end up in court.

It is so, so futile.

So in answer to the question of the most pointless case? I would say about 75% of them in my force area!
 

Recent waste of time.

Mr A puts £4 worth of diesel into his van realises he can't pay then goes into the garage and leaves his name address. He forgets to go back so the Police are sent round to remind him. He slaps his forehead and pays up.
That week on the other side of the County offender A puts £2.00 worth of diesel in his van (different registration number) and drives off.

Can you spot the line of enquiry yet? Yup. Mr A now needs to be arrested in case he wants to tell us the second incident was him.
 

Should really be out doing tasking but I'm on refs !!

I was passed an incident from a concerned MOP stating she was phoning up as the road surface was dangerous due to mud being on the road! Had she been phoning up in the middle of summer from the city centre I may've been interested! However, considering she was on a rural road surrounded by fields and it had been raining not surprising really!
The public, don't you just love 'em!
 

Looks like Mr A will be suing a certain force for wrongful arrest.
 

I'm with you all the way re the public. They're a pain in the arse and just get in the way. Or else they do things like ask us to help them, which really gets on my tits. If I had my way there'd be a law banning them from bothering us, but I guess that will just bring in howls of protest from more MOPs wanting to know what their taxes are being spent on.

A disaffected plod
 

I have no connection with the police, except some of my best mates were coppers, but I bet my pension that those Inspectors, so lovingly referred to, are "fast-track"
 

Dissafected- I hope you don't mean all MOP's. There are that core of people out there that I personally am interested in speaking to- They have been burgled, robbed, lost their child, afraid,trapped etc etc.

I will happily drag myself up again and again to help decent people who through no fault of their own need help. Sadly these people are such a small percentage of what we are actually lumbered with it's heartbreaking. Don't alienate us from the people out there that call because they really do need us.
 

A bit off topic, but regarding the recent furore up North about a racist email. I ve seen the clip and it looks like it says on the tin, dont try and run from the police. Bit stupid to share it at work, better to post the link on here....but is it racist or just funny/sick? Certainly no one asked the BPA to try and raise their own profile and state that it was racist and insulting to the population of Beds. Why cant people leave the chip at home and realise what is just a laugh, no racism intended! It degrades real cases of racism, which incidentally I have never seen from a Policeman, just from the scrotes.... of all colours
 

just found this site today glad to see i'm not the only one that feels like screaming at the tragedy this job has become
 

I got called, along with two other PCs and an Inspector to a gay pub, amid reports of several gay victims being assaulted. As expected this is flagged as a hompohobic incident.

Upon speaking to the "VICTIMS", fortunately the "SUSPECTS" had since decamped, that a group of gay fellas and a girl were drinking in said pub.

A local seven aside rugby tournament had finished nearby and a lot of the lads, nnone of whom were local decended on the first pub they could find.

The girl had taken a shine to a table full of theses lads and wandered over and started talking to them.

These lads were complimenting her, with regards to her looks, which one of the gay fellas decided was a bit inappropriate and decided to have a good rant.

Naturally the response was for him to be told to go forth and multiply and with that the VICTIM went into what can only be described as the mother of all hissy fits (I saw the CCTV and it is quite comical) and threw and began screaming the place down and crying his eyes out. In all the commotion, the rest of his gay mates also get involved and generally were all lucky they didnt get a kick in, which is what they all deserved.

Bored, the rugby lads stood up to leave. One of the fellas was rather fat and ending up tipping the table over, as he stood up. One beer glass fell off the table and bounced off one of the gay lads legs.

All stated that they had heard several homophobic remarks said, by the suspects, hopwever not one could say what was said and no one admitted to having any remarks directed at them.

The duty officer decided that we had to find a crime and being youngest in service it fell to me to report a hompohobically aggravated common assault (the beer glass falling off the table onto his leg) fell to me to report.

We dutifully took victim and witness statements, seizwd the cctv and I spent an hour reporting it. And surprisingly it was immediately no crimed.

Three PCs wasted three hours each, whilst the guvnor drank his cup of tea and took one step closer to getting his third pip. Happy days.
 

We used to be sensible about what was and wasn't crimed, but a couple of years back when I was still serving, the Home Office changed the counting rules. I am not sure why because I hear they use the British Crime Survey figures, not the Police figures. A lot of messages were crimed by the control room, even though the call was not attended. It was usually easier to file those crimes undetected than to get them 'no crimed'. Such gems included, "kids playing basket ball....on the basket ball court" and "a child pulled a blossom from a cherry tree." There were long discussions about crimes committed by children under the age. My view is that if it is known that offender is under the age then is no crime and should not be detected. If it is crimed THEN the investigation reveals the offender is under the age it can be detected under HO stats. If the crime desk tries to tell you differently, go to the shoppers cafe in the local supermarket and become harassed and distressed by the 2 yr old who is kicking his feet against the plastic high chair. Ring crime desk and ask for crime number and victim support.
I got my revenge on the system years back when some high spirited youths lifted a pedalo boat from the boating lake and took it across the road to the beach. They pedalled about in it then left it up on the beach. Crime Desk wanted it crimed but I told them nothing really fitted the circs. No intention to permanantly deprive, TDA possibly, but is a pedalo a conveyance? In the end I submitted it as 'putting an unseaworthy ship to sea' under the Merchant Shipping Act(I think). The point was that I never saw the crime complaint again.
 

Chap sitting outside a pub enjoying a pint before going home. He became worried about a young female acting strangly and was concerned about her mental state as she came up to him and without saying anything took a slurp from his pint and walked off. Good citizen called the police as he was genuinely worried for her and two of my colleagues turned up, spoke to her, made sure she was OK and helped her to get home safely. Job well done.
Nine o'clock jury the following morning weren't amused at all as a detection had gone astray. The fine officers were sent off to interview the female and record a theft no less. What other industry would tolerate their employees wasting their time like this?
 

Oh I don't know. Directly opposite where I worked was a hospital, and in that hospital was a psychiatric ward, and in that psychiatric ward were people with psychiatric problems who had access to the telephone. And when people with psychiatric problems have nothing to do all day except wander about a psychiatric ward in a drug induced fug all day they tend to get bored and ........ Well, I'm sure you can work the rest out for yourselves. Thank god I've served my sentence.
 

How about a handover we picked up for theft of flowers?

A drunken youth had been stopped whilst walking along the high street holding 3 daisy type flowers which the arresting officer decided must have come from a council hanging basket. At that time of night he couldn't have got them anywhere else apparently!

Flowers photographed by SOCO (honestly!). The "offender" was interviewed re the theft, however, a patrol then had to go and see if there was CCTV available. But the best bit was being told by supervision that a visit would need to be paid to the council office to see if anyone could identify the flowers as having come from their baskets. Staggering.
 

who put the odd tit in audit teams
 

I got sent to a "neighbour disupte"

I turned up to a job where somebody had called up and complained because her neighbours security light in there back garden was "too bright" and would often disturb her.

Apparently the call taker sympathised and said police would be able to assist.

I told her to buy some curtains to her bedroom.

Why???????????
 

Oh I really shouldn't have read all those, although I havn't personally had to deal anything quite as bad as theft of student toast it does depress me that twits in CMU will run with this stuff & having only just come out of my probation, I've 28 years of all this to come.

I did report a criminal damage today where a swastika was etched on someone's front door. The victim is not Jewish & I've said as much on my report, so just straight forward criminal damage as far as I'm concerned. I'll let you know if it get ramped up to an "anti-sematic crim dam"...good grief!
 

This post has been removed by the author.
 

A report by a woman who had her car bonnet chipped by stone thrown up from a wagon she was following!
The audit machine wanted an accident book completed, the driver of the wagon interviewed and reported for failing to stop and insecure load as the stones may have come off the back!

A fine seargent pointed out that the woman might have driving a little close to the wagon and did they want her reported for careless/reckless driving?

we await reply!

My personal favourites are arguments over hedges, I got called to a case where one had been cut back. The informant complained "they have cut 2 foot of the hedge", i went to the middle of nowhere, I arrived, was informed that the person who did the act cut the hedge owned it, I left (soon after).