The Policeman's Blog

I always thought that Bertie Bassett was Britain's greatest asset.

Those of you over a certain age will remember the commercial to which I refer.

The job has been arse about face for years. The officers with the greatest responsibility for maintaining relationships with the public are the ones who are sometimes (and this isn't their fault) least equipped to manage the task.

Given that chief officers have the power to post any police officer anywhere in the force area, when will one of them have the bottle to send some of the more experienced bobbies out on the front line?
 

I've found that visiting the CCTV room, with it's air conditioned environment and views of the outsideside world, is the perfect place to cool down after wading through mounds of paperwork in a 1970's designed office with big windows facing the sun and blinds that stopped working years ago. Sometimes you see a criminal in action too, though there's no one available to get there unless you're prepared to run upstairs, find your equipment, run down town, etc etc.
HINT: If you take the armoured stuff out of your body vest and replace it with those blue or pink icecooler boxes they sell in camping shops, it's much more practicle for this weather. When will they develop helmet shaped ones.......?
 

from rosie,

height of summer!!! the silly season has started..here in the frozen north where the temp is only 36 degrees we are being told to wear our ties and among other things sign a form to say that we have read and understood our generic job descriptive and its health and safety implications..i obviously have not got enough to do at the moment!!
 

Sounds like the Dilbert strip where the Pointy Haired Boss did an analysis of the phrase "People are our greatest asset". Turns out that money was their greatest asset, people came ninth, after carbon paper.
 

It's all very well you sitting there cooling off in your tax payer funded merc, Copperfield. The least you could do is to connect your exhaust to the letterboxes of the most prolific criminals in Newtown.
 

You know what to do then ! come and join the Control room - Aircon works in here - in fact I think I'll have to put a jumper on shortly its getting a bit chilly - also saves on a lot of nasty paperwork - send others out to get it - much more rewarding
cheers
mystic
 

Copperfield - do you ever stop whinging and being so negative about everything?I bet you're a real joy to work with - NOT!

Take a chill pill! Or take the whole lot if it helps. You once excellent blog is now going downhill and getting depressing and boring.
 

To...Anonymous : 3:32 PM

Please provide a link to your own blog.
 

Dear David,

As per anonymous comments I too feel you are being too honest in your assessment of our underfunded, underpowered, overworked 'service'. As such I feel you should constantly lie about how you feel just to cheer us up a bit. Here are a few examples:

1) Think about all the free stuff your employer gives you. If your nick is anything like mine you can have all the drinking water you could ever consume, paper towels to wipe you hands and sometimes even a car parking space near the nick if you are lucky.

2) Lie about how wonderfully fulfilled you feel after another job you have been forced to work on gets NFA'd by CPS.

3) Repeat the phrase "This country is not going to the dogs" two or maybe three times every blog entry - just to nail it home.
 

Ah yes, the health and safety of wearing all this lovely kit - much of it in radiation absorbing black or dark blue.

Then being told to wear your tie.

A few years back after a big inner city riot, we were kitted up in the full PSU armour and noddy suits in similar weather and shoved into a van for the day, and again, ordered "make sure you have your ties on and visible to the public."

Or on Carnival Day, which is more of a procession of fat majorettes troupes being paraded around town by their domineering mothers, I was stood on the pavement watching the carnival pass at a stately 2mph in the withering heat, when a voice halloo'ed me from the Command Vehicle - "Officer why are you not wearing your vizi jacket?".

The said Command Vehicle of course having air conditioning just like the offices that the mongs who come up with these futile orders work from.

Incidentally, one of our major crime fighting centres of excellence buildings (closed Fri 4pm to Monday 8am) had its airconditioning fail, and all the staff were sent home.

Spare a thought for the bobbies suffering from dehydration and heat exhaustion? - fat chance
 

Its going to be the hottest week of the year this week with temperature at the Farnborough Airshow possibly reaching 100 in the shade. As officers working at the airshow we have been told by our ACC that we must promote the public image of the police and wear our florry jackets big helmets and stab vests. It doesnt matter that officers stuck outside have been fainting throwing up and losing pound in weight as the water slowly evaportates from there bodies.it even doesnt matter that the local bosses are saying NO ITS TOO HOT. Even psu officers in vans are being cooked as the air con doesnt work properly due to the local vehicle workshops not being able to fix it. Still we all look smart, oh to be in my air conditioned office at winchester making plans for neighborhood policing to be introduced outside of portsmouth we all not what a success that has been (NOT)
 

Did you know that ties are phallic symbols? In the days of Beau Brummel (since reincarnated as Jonathon Woss), the men of society flaunted their manhood by wearing large and distinctive scarves. This is the peacock syndrome whereby the sad and inhibited could give the impression they were built like JCBs down below (if JCBs had been invented then, but you get my drift). Fashion patterns changed and the cravats became ties. So, as you sweat and swelter in 30-odd degrees of heat, you can take succour that you are, in essence, telling the great British public that your Chief Constable and his hangers-on are hiding weapons of mass conception in their trousers. That women wear cravats shows that these gentle creatures of pureness and light are displaying the more feminine, floral aspects of womanhood. Four years of Philosophy, Social studies and 3 years of watching Trinny and Susannah can't be wrong. So if you've got it - flaunt it!
 

The link to the "old william" blog no longer works - has the Met censored it?
 

from the metropolis the head of HR
giving advice for forth comming rail strike,park in the capital Where! flexi time, work from home,etc but if all else fails you will have to use your annual leave. I wonder if the whole response team puts in for leave we will get it or is it just for civil staff you are our greatest asset
 

The very first time in all my 23 years as a copper an edict has come down from on high that we may remove our ties and what happens? The bloody sun has gone in!!
 

From Matt,

Slightly off subject but I saw a snippet on the news today which referred to a police v government stand off in the early 90's which was averted when the government caved in at the last minute.

Does anyone know what this was about and where I could find more info on it?

Cheers.
 

I recall Dilbert being told that people were out 7th greatest asset. When he asked what was No 1, the answer was 'carbon paper'.

It was a few years ago.
 

I'm not the only one to have noticed that only 2 of our collossal fleet of 4 Focus's have air con fitted.. Briefings are followed by a sly 'speed-walk' to the key cabinet to get the drop on colleagues.. Followed by a good hour of being sat in the car catching up on reports and PNB from the day before, whilst pumping the air con for all its worth..

Who the hell comes onto a blog for cops and says that the blogger has started moaning too much? Whoever they are they presumably aren't a cop, else they've be savouring every true word spoken instead of complaining about it..
This blogsite couldn't be more accurate. The job is hopeless. We all love it. We all hate it (a bit more) and we all love moaning about it, because we can't really change it. Just moan and whinge and laugh about it..! Viva Brittania!
 

Hey we mark all our best stuff they call it asset tagging, (it seems to help the thieves identify the good stuff as well as they always nick the tagged items), is the government doing the same I wonder?
 

We had some wristbands in the office which were for some campaign called 'Tag your Tots'. I was able to alter this to 'Gag your Tots' which is a much better idea.
 

Steve : 1:49 PM

Correct me if I'm wrong Steve, but you're not a detective are you?

Hint: See earlier post regarding Dilbert.
 

Tell me something.
Why has the police force chase me around the country for the last thirty years, has the police honeytrapped me, unnecesarily arrested me, threatened me with deportation without any reason whatever?
Do you call this police efficiency?

You lot make me laugh!!

nevosopelo